Utot Mo

Digestion produces gas, which includes traces of nitrogen, carbon monoxide, even methane. Nature decided early on that the digestive system of humans will not hold gas and that at the right time it needs to be expelled.

I suspect that only human beings fart for I have yet to hear other animals fart. Which gives us no relief (excuse the pun).

Women view fart as an embarrassing thing. In the Ilocano language there is a saying which says that it is better for a woman to steal a horse than to fart in public.

For the manly men, farting not only relieves gas build-ups, it is also an endless source of entertainment and male bonding. After all, what are a few rounds of beer without the usual round of farting? What is being in a wartime trench without letting out a manly fart?

Manly men’s relationship to other manly men is often determined by the farts they have shared. Come to think of it, I’ve been married to the same woman for the last nine years and I have not heard her fart, but with other men, I could count on a couple of guys whom I heard fart and have farted back.

Through the years, I have developed a system of naming and grading manly farts and these are some of the species I identified:

THE STEALTH: Silent, buts delivers an overpowering urge for the recipient to puke. The victim of the stealth might as well been hit by an invisible bomber delivering a smart bomb.

THE MACHINE GUN: Short burst, usually in threes and usually interrupted by intervals of manly laughter. Must only be delivered by those with tremendous muscle control otherwise, the back blast will be embarrassing:

…prrrrt…prrrt…prrrt….(interval of manly laughter)…prrt…prrt…BOOOM!!! (trigger man rushes off, knocking beer bottles)…(more..manly laughter..men rolling on the floor laughing).

THE HAWAIAN DELIGHT: Baked beans plus pineapple juice equals Hawaiian Music

THE POULTRY: Sounds like a leaking tire. Smells like (rotten) eggs. Add Pineapple Juice, its called the Hawaiian Omelet. Add Baked Beans, it’s the Boston Breakfast.

THE SNIPER: Short burst, controlled intervals, no smell or smell directed towards a solid object like a car seat. The ultimate sniper must be able to deliver the payload inside an elevator-sized room without being detected. Preferred delivery method of women.

So the next time you feel the urge to deliver a gas attack, smile and enjoy it. For, why burp and taste it, when you can fart and waste it.